Here are my previous blog posts from a few years ago from an account that I since lost the password to and no longer have the email address to get it.
http://jimbeam958.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2008-01-01T00:00:00-05:00&updated-max=2009-01-01T00:00:00-05:00&max-results=8
Random shit
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Chaos Theory
Somewhere in China, a butterfly flaps its wings, catching
the attention of a small child. The child chases after the butterfly and trips
over a rock and falls on his face, letting out a scream that alerts his mother.
The mother, who is cooking for a large lunch crowd at a restaurant, runs out to
aid the child, leaving the soup that was not yet fully cooked. The waitress,
thinking that it was done, serves the soup to the hungry crowd which includes
an airline pilot. During his flight back to California, the pilot suddenly
jumps up and runs to the bathroom with a nasty case of diarrhea. Having just
missed the toilette, he showers the walls and floor of the bathroom in shit,
which a stewardess now has to clean up. Okay, I’m sorry, “Flight Attendant”.
Because I’m sure that if you had to clean shit off a wall you would care what
they called you too. So now the,
ahem, “flight attendant” starts violently vomiting all over the bathroom while
trying to clean the shit off the wall. Now nobody can use this thing. I mean
this is nasty, you would not want to go in there. Have you ever been in a
carnival Port-O-Potty? Yeah, it’s that bad. Now it’s still four hours until
they land, and nobody can use the bathroom. When the plane finally lands and
the doors open, hundreds of people come rushing off the plane, partly because
it smells like vomit and shit, but mostly because they all have to take a
piss. While the crowd is rushing through
the terminal, a ladder is knocked over, and red paint is showered down on the
people. A passerby, who is on his way to Las Vegas, sees the red painted people
and the red footsteps everywhere and takes it as a sign. When he gets to the
casino, the first thing he does is bet everything he has on red on the roulette
wheel.
After
this astonishing win, he gets really drunk and winds up marrying a stripper.
(Because that’s what drunken men in Vegas do apparently, TV don’t lie, people!)
They decide to go to Niagara Falls for their honeymoon, because they watch TV
too, I guess. While there, they ask a family who is on vacation for directions
to the nearest pharmacy. The stripper says that her crabs are getting “real
itchy”, pointing downward. Afterwards, the little boy asks his father why that
nice lady kept her crabs in her pants. Stunned by this question, he responds
“She was keeping them there so she can eat them later.”
Fast
forward a couple months, the same father and son are on the beach in New Jersey. The little
boy sees a crab crawling around in the sand. Remembering what his father had
told him, he picks it up and puts it in his bathing suit.
Later on, at the
hospital, the cops show up with family services. Apparently the stupid little
shit told the doctor that his father had told him to put the crab in his pants.
Well, of course this gives the mother, who is now divorcing the father, all the
ammunition she needs to win custody of the stupid little shit in court. After paying his lawyer fees, child support,
and medical bills for the, gulp, “reattachment”, he has nothing left to live on
and is forced to take on a second job. While working the night shift in the McDonalds
drive thru in Philadelphia, he serves a customer who has just placed a large order. After the
car pulls out of the parking lot, the passenger of the car realizes that the “asshole
in the window” forgot her Chicken McNuggets, forcing the driver to make a u-turn.
In the middle of the u-turn, a dog runs out into the street and gets hit by the
car. Both the driver and passenger jump out of the car to see if the dog is
okay. So now you got two people standing in the street over a dead dog, in
front of a double parked car with people who can’t mind their own damn business
driving real slow and gawking at the carnage…and I miss the fucking green
light.
This is why I fucking hate butterflies
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Red Light Singing
Drivers
of the world unite! Stand up and shout to the masses that we will no longer
stop singing merely because we have come to a red light!
For
too long we have been held down, our music and voices muted by society and its
traffic control devices.
Brothers and sisters stand firm. Tell the
world that no matter the song, no matter the lyrics, we will sing them loud and
proud from the red lights to the stop signs…from the traffic jams to the
railroad crossings…from the toll booths to the McDonalds drive thru.
And no, we will not mumble! No, we will not hum! We will
sing that song the way it is meant to be sung! Can I get an AMEN!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
An Ode To Chick-Fil-A
Oh
Chick-Fil-A
With
your chicken and pickles and such
Your
Spicy chicken sandwich
Spicy,
but not too much
Your
waffle fries
Always
lacking salt
I
know its those fuckin’ health nuts
It’s
not your fault
I
love how you bring me my order when it’s done
But
I hate how the pickles dissolve my bun
How
you make fun of cows
Who
don’t know how to spell
But
really seem to hate chickens
What
the hell?
I
mean seriously, what the hell? Why they gotta throw the chickens under the bus?
They could be espousing vegetarianism, but no, they’re actively trying to get
us to eat those poor little bastard chickens. If you saw a sign in a store that
read “Rob more banks”, would you extrapolate “…and less stores” from that, or
would you think “Damn, this guy must really hate banks!” And besides, I could eat more “chikin”, and less pork
but just as much if not more beef. I hope I never need a cow for anything,
those mother fuckers would sell me out in a minute!
Whenever
I’m in it
Simply
the best lemonade
That
I have ever tasted
Your
free refill policy
On
me is never wasted
How
you claim to be the first
To
put chicken to bread
Congratulations
to you
Your
balls are bigger than my head
The
days I eat at Chick-Fil-A
Are
often the most fun days
But
you get a big fuck you
For
closing on Sundays.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
An Ode to Wendy's Super Bar
Oh
how I loved you
How
I wish you were here
For
you, Wendy’s Super Salad Bar
I’ve shed many a tear
For
just three ninety-nine
I
could have all that I can eat
Jell-O...
pudding... pasta
Tacos
with extra meat
Imitation
bacon bits
Abound
in great supply
Those
shelled sunflower seeds I love so much
I
think I may cry
Your
sneeze guard of glass
Protecting
you with care
Yes
it looked disgusting
But
imagine if bare
Oh
why oh why did you leave me
Why
did they take you away
If
only I could see you again
Oh
the words that I would say
Why,
Wendy’s Founder Dave Thomas
Did
you play with my heart
And
that red headed daughter of yours
That
slutty little tart
Every
time I drive past
I
see her evil little grin
As
if to say, “She’s gone forever...
That’s
right Mother fucker...
I
win.”
Monday, January 30, 2012
Pillow Talk
“Last
night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my
pillow was gone!”
So now we have established that you are ripping this
sucker apart like the Tazmanian Devil with a roast turkey. I would venture to
say that not long after beginning this novel meal, you would be working on the inside
of this once marshmallow-like pillow. At this point you should be dreaming that
you’re at the carnival eating a giant bag of cotton candy or going down on
Daisy Duck (me-ow, err, I mean ka-wack!),
depending on what your pillow is filled with.
To
which I respond: Who the fuck says “fangled” anymore? My spell check doesn’t even
recognize that as a word. I would be shocked and amazed if anyone old enough
to use that word could even find the power button on a computer let alone get
on the internet without calling their 6 year old great grandchildren for help. Oh,
and they weren’t invented (or at least not in wide usage, but I don’t feel like
looking it up.) when the joke was written, so bite me.
Now
let’s look at the line “When I woke up, my pillow was gone!”
Really?
That would be the first thing you noticed when you woke up? That your pillow
was gone?
Your
bedroom would look like somebody beat, raped, and strangled a goose. But the
first thing out of your mouth would be, “Hey, where’s my pillow?” Is that
normal for you? Do you live on a poultry farm or something? Okay, maybe you do. I’m sure somebody does,
so why not. But why are the feathers in your bedroom? You know what, never mind, I don’t even want to know. I’ll
just give you that point, okay?
I
would find it pretty incredible that you would be out and about to be making
jokes about it so soon after eating your pillow “Last night”. Maybe if you said last month, or even last week, I
could at least entertain the notion, but I’m just going to have to call
bullshit on that one.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Retraction
I
would like to offer my sincerest apologies for my previous blog entry. After
posting, I decided to actually Google how many hairs are on a fly’s anus, as I had erroneously claimed I had already
done. To my dismay, I found no pages discussing this subject whatsoever. The
closest thing I got was “How many hairs are on a fly’s eye?”
I don’t know, maybe flies don’t have hairs on their anuses. But you’d think I could at least get a “Zero” or something. Though I should probably mention that I did not look past the first page of search results. But really, does anybody look past the first page for anything? You Google “Three-way”, and on the first page you get everything you need. Two women, one guy – Two guys, one woman – Three women – Three…Never mind. Just… never mind. A woman, a donkey, and a goose. Anyway, the point being that you go to page two, and you get shit like “Sir Thomas Threeway” or “Three Wayans Brothers movies everyone should see”.
So you start out searching for some hot lesbian action,
and you wind up with “Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your
Juice in the Hood”. Gee…thanks Google.
And
no, I did not confirm any of this. Who the hell do you think I am… Tom Brokaw?
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