Sunday, February 5, 2012

Chaos Theory

Somewhere in China, a butterfly flaps its wings, catching the attention of a small child. The child chases after the butterfly and trips over a rock and falls on his face, letting out a scream that alerts his mother. The mother, who is cooking for a large lunch crowd at a restaurant, runs out to aid the child, leaving the soup that was not yet fully cooked. The waitress, thinking that it was done, serves the soup to the hungry crowd which includes an airline pilot. During his flight back to California, the pilot suddenly jumps up and runs to the bathroom with a nasty case of diarrhea. Having just missed the toilette, he showers the walls and floor of the bathroom in shit, which a stewardess now has to clean up. Okay, I’m sorry, “Flight Attendant”. Because I’m sure that if you had to clean shit off a wall you would care what they called you too. So now the, ahem, “flight attendant” starts violently vomiting all over the bathroom while trying to clean the shit off the wall. Now nobody can use this thing. I mean this is nasty, you would not want to go in there. Have you ever been in a carnival Port-O-Potty? Yeah, it’s that bad. Now it’s still four hours until they land, and nobody can use the bathroom. When the plane finally lands and the doors open, hundreds of people come rushing off the plane, partly because it smells like vomit and shit, but mostly because they all have to take a piss.  While the crowd is rushing through the terminal, a ladder is knocked over, and red paint is showered down on the people. A passerby, who is on his way to Las Vegas, sees the red painted people and the red footsteps everywhere and takes it as a sign. When he gets to the casino, the first thing he does is bet everything he has on red on the roulette wheel.

After this astonishing win, he gets really drunk and winds up marrying a stripper. (Because that’s what drunken men in Vegas do apparently, TV don’t lie, people!) They decide to go to Niagara Falls for their honeymoon, because they watch TV too, I guess. While there, they ask a family who is on vacation for directions to the nearest pharmacy. The stripper says that her crabs are getting “real itchy”, pointing downward. Afterwards, the little boy asks his father why that nice lady kept her crabs in her pants. Stunned by this question, he responds “She was keeping them there so she can eat them later.”

Fast forward a couple months, the same father and son are on the beach in New Jersey. The little boy sees a crab crawling around in the sand. Remembering what his father had told him, he picks it up and puts it in his bathing suit.

 Later on, at the hospital, the cops show up with family services. Apparently the stupid little shit told the doctor that his father had told him to put the crab in his pants. Well, of course this gives the mother, who is now divorcing the father, all the ammunition she needs to win custody of the stupid little shit in court.  After paying his lawyer fees, child support, and medical bills for the, gulp, “reattachment”, he has nothing left to live on and is forced to take on a second job. While working the night shift in the McDonalds drive thru in Philadelphia, he serves a customer who has just placed a large order. After the car pulls out of the parking lot, the passenger of the car realizes that the “asshole in the window” forgot her Chicken McNuggets, forcing the driver to make a u-turn. In the middle of the u-turn, a dog runs out into the street and gets hit by the car. Both the driver and passenger jump out of the car to see if the dog is okay. So now you got two people standing in the street over a dead dog, in front of a double parked car with people who can’t mind their own damn business driving real slow and gawking at the carnage…and I miss the fucking green light.

This is why I fucking hate butterflies


  1. Awww...I like butterflies...ahahah. Hdey I saw your question in blogger help so I am following you and leave a few comments. Feel free to do the same for my 1 day old

    Thanks and see u around!

  2. Hi There!

    Duh...I gave you the wrong address for my blog..... It is: (I missed the dash).

    Going to read more of your posts now.

    Bye, Pam