Monday, January 30, 2012

Pillow Talk

“Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone!”

 Okay, so today, of all the topics that I could go on about, I’m going to dissect the logic of this old, lame, and corny joke.

 First off, if you could indeed finish off an entire pillow as you slept, you surely wouldn’t be able to do it in one bite. Agreed? Good.

So now we have established that you are ripping this sucker apart like the Tazmanian Devil with a roast turkey. I would venture to say that not long after beginning this novel meal, you would be working on the inside of this once marshmallow-like pillow. At this point you should be dreaming that you’re at the carnival eating a giant bag of cotton candy or going down on Daisy Duck (me-ow, err, I mean ka-wack!), depending on what your pillow is filled with.

 Okay, I know what you’re thinking. “But what about those new fangled memory foam pillows, they seem marshmallowy and they would stay in one piece as you ate it.”

To which I respond: Who the fuck says “fangled” anymore? My spell check doesn’t even recognize that as a word. I would be shocked and amazed if anyone old enough to use that word could even find the power button on a computer let alone get on the internet without calling their 6 year old great grandchildren for help. Oh, and they weren’t invented (or at least not in wide usage, but I don’t feel like looking it up.) when the joke was written, so bite me.

Now let’s look at the line “When I woke up, my pillow was gone!”

Really? That would be the first thing you noticed when you woke up? That your pillow was gone?

Your bedroom would look like somebody beat, raped, and strangled a goose. But the first thing out of your mouth would be, “Hey, where’s my pillow?” Is that normal for you? Do you live on a poultry farm or something?  Okay, maybe you do. I’m sure somebody does, so why not. But why are the feathers in your bedroom? You know what, never mind, I don’t even want to know. I’ll just give you that point, okay?

 Lastly, I’m sure that after you ate this pillow, you would probably be in need of some sort of medical attention. Stomach pump, perhaps. Maybe even a full-blown operation to remove the offending material.  Or at the very least just be feeling sick as hell.

I would find it pretty incredible that you would be out and about to be making jokes about it so soon after eating your pillow “Last night”. Maybe if you said last month, or even last week, I could at least entertain the notion, but I’m just going to have to call bullshit on that one.

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